Sometimes, like tonight, I am afraid of falling asleep. Well, it is not the falling asleep part that scares me as in fact I can't wait to blend in to dreaming. It is the short part before, when you close your eyes and everything gets dark, when you are all alone with your thoughts and you are afraid of where they are gonna take you. It is when I know that I'm in this state of mood that will make my brain take me places that will hurt me but deep inside I will enjoy it beacause it will, in a sick and twisted way, satisfy me. It will answer to all my expectations.

These nights, before I close my eyes, I waste my dark hours drinking tea out of a pot and writing in my journal, with only a melting candle as a light. My journal that is so private as it contains all my darkest secrets. I write in it in hope that all my brain activity will translate into written words so they can leave me alone for a while. After that I spend some more time coming up with a new topic to think about, I make up something, something happy. This is a habit I have had since I was a little girl. I could never fall asleep unless I was thinking of a story, often a story about love and sometimes about heroes, though they go hand in hand. Sometimes I text some guy I know, who to me is in fact irrelevant but who I sometimes use for attention or to waste some time. I ask them if they are awake. Most of the time they are not, or they choose to ignore me beacause I am as irrelevant to them as they are to me. Sometimes I get an answer, always a disappointing lame one. But who can blame them, I never tell them I am alone and afraid of my thoughts. And I don't want them to know either. I always regret reaching out when I've done it. I think that I don't reach out to the people I actually like because I am afraid that they aswell will not care.

I keep on writing, sometimes I write so fast I can't even read what I have written. But it doesn't matter because I knew that at that point it helped me. I am tierd but I havn't got a clue of what this evenings fantasy will be. It is like my imagination decided to take a break. Lately I have noticed it being harder for me coming up with some love story that ends well. It is like my brain decides to romanticize the broken love, the passion that could not have been, the forbidden romance and the lonlyness. As if only unfulfilled love can be romantic.

Then I realize it is all time wasting and I have a set focus in my life and I know what to do. Honestly. Nothing should take my focus away. But then I close my eyes and find some story, even if its mine or stolen and soon the darkness turns in to daylight and I am not afraid anymore. The forbidden thoughs have nothing on me and once again I am the strong girl who can conquer the world If I like to. Everything was just a slight moment of weakness, in order to be great the rest of the time.

"Our love will last forever.
It's forever, but it just doesn't work.
That's why it will always be romantic
because it cannot be complete."